When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma