♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad