When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.