It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably