it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
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At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Well, shit
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Gemma Correll
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.