If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
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Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Friday night party time 🥳
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.