Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
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I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
stand with me against insufficient seating
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.