Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.