*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
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Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you