My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
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Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol