The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
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[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.