Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
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So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37