I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
*launders Kohls cash*
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
*sewing*
A thread
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce