When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
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I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.