I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
“You’d better run, egg!”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Lucky old June.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I’m aging like a fine banana
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.