All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
You Might Also Like
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.