*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ