I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
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Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I bet birds love this building.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.