Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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screw you
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
How it started: How it’s going:
I’d … I’d rather not.