If you know, you know
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If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I mean…but I did
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun