Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
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[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane