The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
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Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record