what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
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A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My kitchen overserved me.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.