who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA