My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
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I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Respect
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.