kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.