Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.