My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
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-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!