The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
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If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Meme Monday.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love