“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
You Might Also Like
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot