It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.