“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i鈥檓 a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else鈥檚 faces
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We鈥檒l be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She鈥檚 a hamster now.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what鈥檚 wrong with you
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Omg 馃ぃ
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Some of us matured in our 30鈥檚 and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.