We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
You Might Also Like
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me