Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up