When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
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I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.