Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer