The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
thinking about a very short hotdog
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I have never related to a cat more
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
…u ok Nintendo?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector