A cabbage a day keeps people away.
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.