Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
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Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*