(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
You Might Also Like
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
My boss called in sick of me
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.