I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
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If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
estão todos miauvindo?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.