Good boy 😂😂
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“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!