“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
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[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
🙄😏😂🤣
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*