[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
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Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.