The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
bro what is going on at twitter
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.