I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
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Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Smooooooth
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I’ve had worse
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho