[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.