Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
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[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Good news
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*