Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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12: I can鈥檛 wait to be an adult.
Me: I can鈥檛 wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She鈥檚 my best friend in the world!
Me: What鈥檚 her name?
4: I don鈥檛 remember.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
袉 never thought 袉 wouId say th褨s, and 褨t took me a wh褨le to come to terms, but 袉 th褨nk 袉 ate too much bacon.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma鈥檃m, but you still can鈥檛 bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That鈥檚 not even on the periodic table
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it鈥檚 cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you鈥檙e right.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
This is Facts right here 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My daughter asked me if I鈥檇 be very upset if she didn鈥檛 live with me when she鈥檚 a grownup so I told her I鈥檇 try my best once I stopped laughing
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.