Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
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You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
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I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
The government even made aliens boring
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no